When Sir Ephraim asked me to be his squire in the SCA, in a charming and unexpected ceremony, one of the things he asked me was, “to be more yourself than you have ever been.”
And I grimaced, like, ouch, that’s hard, but said I would.
After swearing fealty and getting my nice new belt and spurs, I went around being congratulated by my friends, and one asked, “What the hell was that? ‘More yourself’ What does that even mean?”
And I smiled, a warm, secret smile, because I totally got it, and Ephraim did, too, but it wasn’t something I could explain at the time.
“It sounds like new age mumbo jumbo,” my friend added.
Now, many years later, I feel I can finally put into words what Ephraim was asking me to do, and why it was important.
Most people have a public and a private self. The self we build up on social media and the self we are alone in the dark. The further apart these selves are, well, the more likely it is that you are suffering from crippling self-doubt and insecurity.
I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity. I have to fight the urge to constantly edit, hide, expunge. I’m a hell of a lot better than I was, so I can look back and see the warning signs I missed.
Signs like lying about things that don’t matter. Yeah, I used to do that. I remember one teenage day, coming home from hanging out by the tracks, Dad asking what I was up to and saying, “Oh I was at Shannon’s house.”
More poignantly, I remember him sagging where he was at the stove, his exhausted confusion, “Why would you lie about that? I wouldn’t care either way.”
I don’t know how he knew. Maybe Shannon had visited while I was out. I had thought he would consider watching trains less healthy than hanging out with my friends. Maybe he would have, but lying about it was definitely the least healthy, the most worrying thing to a parent.
I’m now having to deal with these things from the mentor/parent point of view, and it’s hard to see my own mistakes repeated, but it also gives me a clearer view of them, and how far I’ve come.
One of the steps toward letting go of that need to construct a fake self was becoming Sir Ephraim’s squire, and his mentorship. He taught me a lot, like that egotism and insecurity are the same thing. They are both not seeing the self clearly, and also focusing too much on the self. The last thing I wanted to be was egotistical, so it was easier to me to embrace the humility of being my true self, rather than thinking I had to let go of my self-doubts.
I felt I NEEDED my self-doubts, because if I stopped hating myself I’d stop striving to be better! Let me assure any readers thinking similar thoughts: I have made greater strides on all my self-improvement goals since I stopped beating myself up. A beaten dog learns to cringe; a rewarded dog learns to fetch.
Another help was my fabulous life partner, Brian. When we first met, I didn’t want to date him. He was nice and fun to be with, but I wasn’t attracted. So I did what I never did with boys – whatever I wanted. I dominated conversations instead of listening attentively. I didn’t laugh at jokes I didn’t find funny. I let my differing music and film tastes be known. He wanted to watch tv? Too bad, I’m going to be in my dorm room reading. I was more myself than I had ever been with a boy.
And that ended up making ours the best, healthiest romance in my life. By the time I’d fallen in love, it was too late, he’d seen the warts and all … and he loved them.
Here’s the real truth: we’re afraid to be seen as our selves, because we know we aren’t that interesting. We aren’t special, unique, heroic protagonist material. We might not even be sassy-best-friend material, and that scares us. We don’t want to fade into the background of our own lives. Worse, we don’t want to be seen with all our flaws, our covetousness, our jealousies – our villain potential. Not a cool turns-good-at-the-end villain, either, more like the bully in the hero’s formative years who is easily defeated because we have not had a cool training montage, ourselves, to become powerful.
… okay me, this is my emotional baggage. Your mileage may vary, and if you didn’t spend every spare moment of your childhood consuming fiction, you’ll be less likely to couch everything in those terms. I digress.
Being my true self is something I still have to consciously do. The many times I spend a day agonizing over some stupid remark I made at a party are almost always traced back to Trying To Be More Interesting Than I Am.(TM) Usually by trying to be “funny” or pretending to know something I didn’t. UGH, me.
I have to remind myself to admit when I haven’t read a book or seen a TV show. I remind myself that the speaker will be happy to explain, even happier maybe than if I had said “Oh yeah, that.”
The first time you drop your facade, it feels every bit as vulnerable as dropping your drawers, but over time, it’s a skill that can be practiced. Sometimes I feel I’m doing it very well, other times I’m not, like all skills it depends how much attention I put on it, but over time, it’s become more of a habit than not, and I’m grateful for that, for no longer feeling quite so naked when I let my shortcomings show.
Because you know what? People are kinder than you think, and more forgiving. They are friendlier to the flaws-and-plain me than they would be to the gussied-up version. Most people react warmly to authenticity and honesty. They understand and relate to flaws! They are eager to chat with the person who hasn’t read their favorite book or doesn’t know this new science fact. You get to be their audience, and we all love an audience.
In short, I recommend being more yourself. You will be more loved for it.
