I’ve been battling depression for the past two or three weeks. I also battled to hide it. I didn’t want people to be annoyed with me for being a downer.
I probably did a bad job of that.
It’s frustrating, when your emotions themselves become a problem. When you have to deal with them. “I need to do this task. But I’m sad. So I have to take a moment and force myself past the sadness so I can do the task.” It’s exhausting. All I wanted to do was sleep, all day if possible. Then I’d hate myself for sleeping so much.
Cycle, repeat.
Last night I broke down and cried about it, and that felt… freeing. I dunno. Like I’d freed myself from hiding it and I should have done that a lot sooner.
“Should have done” is my self-flagellation weapon of choice. Ugh. Even writing that made me a little more depressed. I digress.
I didn’t feel better, not really, but I was able to say “So this is a thing and I’ll get through it.” And I wasn’t going to be able to wait for some external force. No one was going to hold me and tell me none of it was my fault. No wonderful new vacation or treat in the future would remove this present darkness.
And that’s… okay. That’s how it is. I realized I kept waiting for something to ‘snap me out of it’ and I was putting pressure on those things. “Tonight Brian and I will go out and that will snap me out of it.” Nope. “I will finally get writing again and that’ll snap me out of it.” nope. “I’ll indulge in some candy and that’ll snap me out of it.” NOPE.
Nothing snaps you out of it… and that’s okay, too. The quick fix is never the fix.
I dunno. I feel like I’m a step up from bottom today.
by 
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